I never thought I would be writing this but here I am. For past few years I have been reading articles pertaining to married life and issues faced later. However the point of view that I am going to write here in this article, I am pretty sure everyone will mostly disagree to. Yes I will talk about the issues of desi husbands, their struggles, and their patterns.
Purpose of this article is NOT to generalize but to draw attention to deep layers that we as wives I believe fail to understand in men. I have been MashAllah married for past 10 months. This time has been a roller coaster ride. I was expected to do stuff that a very typical household expects i.e. cook, clean, take care of the husband and family. I was never exposed to such nitty-gritties before marriage and I lived a casual life away from the “harsh absurd realities” work, home-work, home it was.
After marriage everything changed. So many issues came up which if I started writing down it would be never ending but apart from the household issues, I failed to understand what my husband’s requirements were from me. I failed to give him good “responses” which further complicated my situation. Some of many situations are listed below.
I never learnt cooking before marriage, I believe it was biggest mistake ever! How could I make that mistake? I was so naïve. I expected that my MIL will make food and we will live happily. WRONG ASSUMPTION. What happens if MIL gets sick? What happens if she has to spend a week outside home? For how many days one will manage to eat from outside? Or even worse, what if she dies suddenly, you will be burdened with not just cooking but the responsibilities of the entire house. I made that mistake, I failed my husbands need and expectation to give him food because of which he suffered a lot, he drastically lost weight and I was forced to feel guilty that I was responsible for his health. Let’s ignore why my MIL stopped cooking for whatever reasons but I wasn’t this capable to handle a single task let alone the household.
Second, I never learnt how to iron reason being that he used to get it done from outside. I being naïve again ASSUMED that it will be done from outside like the usual, WRONG ASSUMPTION again. I was responsible for doing his work. I had to iron and manage his wardrobe. I should have known he has an office daily and laundry needs to be done right after wedding (a week later perhaps) but I failed miserably. I read in several articles that females believe men are getting married because they want maids and less of a partner. No. That’s wrong!! I realized that my man never wanted to make me a maid rather he felt extremely delighted when I did the work for him. I doubted him, ignored him for making me do the work which could have been done by giving away minimal amount of money but I rejected his approach and love coming my way! I broke his heart. I denied him of his happiness. I felt ashamed.
Thirdly, I was expected to do stitching and sewing too which I felt that what kind of man in this era expects a girl to sew the clothes that too gents. He spent hours and hours convincing me that it’s not actually the work it’s actually the love and obedience he needs to see in me which again I proudly denied him of. I thought of all ill things and was very inconsiderate towards him. Later, when we reached a tipping point I was forced to do it at any cost, by hook or by crook. And guess what I did it. I altered his pair of pants and it felt so good, I felt accomplished and the look on his face when I showed him, the expressions were priceless!! I felt so guilty of arguing him to a month or so for not doing it. I concluded that it was not the work which counted, it was the effort he had to see in me , it was the value he was looking for when he asked me to get a task done. It was the love he was seeking which he sought before marriage!!
Apart from the above given situations there were numerous times where I let him down but he stood by my side. Men expect women to be kind and considerate, they like women doing work, cooking, taking care of their families but girls please understand that everything gets registered, its take time. He will definitely appreciate you for the efforts you put in! the more you can give into them, the better your situations will be, share their perspective, share their beliefs, counter them with logical arguments, they will understand you but thinking that after marriage it’s going to be a fantasy, it’s not that. Even during suffering, choose to remain silent and be discreet about situations with his immediate family members It will help you bridge many battles. All he needs to see is his concerns being shared. Men suffer at the hands of their mothers and wives, when they need to take sides it’s really difficult for them but we never empathize as wives that how struggling it must be for him. Patience is a virtue, have patience. Things will eventually set in, it has worked for me and INSHALLAH it will work for you. I regret I wasted these months and understood so late, but it’s never too late to start again!
I have had a change of heart. It’s time for all of you to think if guys can have the courage to do so.