I have spent my whole life in PAKISTAN, it would be better to say in Karachi. Apart from a few visits to Punjab I haven’t set foot outside my beloved (yes even when it has no water, light, gas, petrol, roads, not much entertainment) Karachi. Yes with all these qualities I love my city. Oh no, I am not going to write about my city or its problems. I love my city and we are in a kind of an abusive relationship, Karachi doesn’t beat me, doesn’t threat me or blackmail me. Oh, I think I am using the wrong metaphor. I want to discuss emotional abuse, now you all must be rolling eyes on now what happened to her that she is up to emotional abuse. It has not happened to me but to all of us on a daily basis. To some extent, we all manipulate other people’s emotions rather abuse them and be abused by them in return. It is just that it is so common that we don’t even notice that how unhealthy it is. And what it is doing to us.
Now if I give the example of a married woman you will all say, crap, she is on it again. Haven’t I noticed that emotional abuse is present in every relationship? But in our society marriage is based upon how we abuse each other. Not for the sake of each other but on the basis of how much we hate or dislike each other’s families. I know I might sound terribly passive but isn’t it the reality of our life. Emotional abuse is something that we usually do on a subconscious level on daily basis some times to hurt others and sometimes to take revenge. Why? The question arises why we do that because it sounds sophisticated and easy to deny when confronted. Because physical abuse leaves marks on the body, hence emotional abuse only ruins your soul and nobody is going to check your soul.
You must be thinking that showing one’s emotions is a mental threat to her. Showing emotions has always been about assertive, means showing or communicating your emotions which doesn’t affect negatively to people around you. But here we are all loud and rude to the people around us. Especially abusive to those who are emotionally dependent on us. What it feels like when we are around people who are emotionally abusive. Don’t you ever feel like you are walking on eggshells, feeling insulted or feeling you can never measure up (yes yes, the typical day in life of housewife). Usually, if there is a pattern of that behavior (kabhi kabhi to chalta hai). But houses where curfew starts when the certain person enters the house (usually the father or the head of the house, sometimes it’s the authoritative auntie jee). I tell you that the target of the abuser is to make the victim feel like a useless piece of shit, usually with insults, name-calling A.K.A gallian, blaming and not accepting your claims, by counter questioning your authenticity. Usually it’s hard to recognize when we have to go through it daily.
How we go through it daily? For example, when we tell the abusive person that we witness the certain event, they will cross-question us and deny us by asking us the correct account of the event, even wordings of other person and if we waiver in telling word to word they will unleash their anger. Leaving us to think that are my words not enough for them. But you must be wondering why it’s so important; emotional abuse in any relationship leaves us with no self-esteem, self-image or confidence which usually affects all of our relationships. It is so subtle that we often tell ourselves that it is not that bad. Emotional abusers are demanding as hell. They usually make unreasonable demands, invalidate your feelings, accuse you of being too sensitive or too emotional (wow I am defining the typical relationship of spouses). Even they nitpick your choice of fashion, style or the way you express yourself. They treat you like their own property, even try to control your finances (so typical of our men).
Many of us have emotionally abusive parents and for us who have emotionally abusive parents, it’s rather a learning process. Yeah emotionally abusive, not emotionally absent, not narcissistic neither passive-aggressive. I know after reading these two lines you are sure I have mommy daddy issues but haven’t we all have? It’s the other thing that we don’t admit it because morally we are prone and might be designed to not to question them or suspect them. But here’s the reality in our routine we see our parents complaining about each other incompetence. Consciously it’s ok to see them fight but subconsciously we are learning abuse. To be honest in our society it’s not allowed to be affectionate in front of kids but it’s ok to scream at top of your lungs and fight in front of kids. If God forbids the first thing then he forbids fighting too.
You must be thinking YA ALLAH I am stuck with people who are emotionally abusive my whole damn life. But my blog is not about helping you curse and blame people around you (significant people I know) but how to cope with them. Now, first of all, you have to make your physical and mental health your priority, yeah I know after listening to a whole day and night marathon about how incompetent you are. You don’t even want to step out of bed rather I am asking you to look perfectly trim and prim. But that’s the target of emotionally abusive people. Drag you to the deepest hole where you technically confirm their accusations. And after that stop blaming yourself, it’s nothing you did to them and stop thinking that you can fix them, you can’t. Emotionally abusive people can’t heal till they don’t decide for themselves. So leave them and focus on yourself. Don’t engage in their blaming conversations and always remember that when you look good you feel good too. So when you feel good about yourself soon you will be out of this emotional abusive loop.