As I am growing older, I am experiencing new things which are changing my perspective towards the life. I am now more critical towards the situations and have a better understanding of those.
When it comes to the desi women and their lives I feel shallow always. We have come a long way. We are more educated than our mothers and grandmothers, we are smarter than them, we are more aware of our surroundings, many of us are breaking the stereotypes and setting new examples but still, we have the same issues our mothers, their mothers, and their mothers had – and same solutions for these problems too.
Where are we lacking? What is making our women suffer in the hands of same issues and problems women a decade or earlier than that used to suffer from?
We all know where exactly we are lacking. Just we are afraid of breaking the bubble and coming out of it. To make this first step easier for you, here, I have some suggestions for you which are surely easy to write and read but very hard to act on but don’t worry – together we can take the first step.
The first and the most important is your education. Many of us have to leave their education in middle because our parents get a suitable proposal for us. Ladies, do not quit your education for the marriage. Complete your degree program, get your transcript and degree in your hand and then tie the knots.
A good husband, loving in-laws and supportive parents could not guarantee you a safe and secure future – only your degree could. I know it would be tougher to make your parents agree on this but at least you can try once. Talk to them. They can wait a year or so before they push you in a relationship which is most demanding among all relations.
I have also observed that women in South Asia, particularly in Pakistan, do not give any importance to their career. You will find women around you saying that they are doing the job for nothing or just to kill the time. They quit their job as soon as they find their Mr. Right.
This practice has evolved a mindset in years which finds it odd to even think about the career of women. Some of us have to leave their jobs just because of this mindset. Though we want to establish ourselves as professionals the society and its parameters don’t allow us.
Do not quit job no matter what comes in your way. We don’t do jobs to earn money only, the jobs give you an opportunity to make the best use of your skills; putting your share in making this world better, and not to forget making a social circle which is as necessary for the life as a family.
After marriage, your own status and position as a person define your place in a desi family system. Even if you are earning 5000 a month, that’s your money. You are free to spend it anywhere you want to. Even if your husband has a six-figure salary it’s his salary – not yours. You should have your own money in your hand. It will make you stronger.
It is also observed that while many ladies quit their job just before signing the nikah nama, after the marriage they are found looking for some easy-to-earn-ways to have some extra income. They look for the opportunities that do not require them to leave their house and gives them the most in return.
My dear ladies, If you want to earn, come out of your comfort zone, go out, make use of your degree and earn money. There is nothing free in this world.
We know that the life after marriage is not as easy and comfortable as the life before the marriage, thats why we encourage women to keep continue their jobs after their marriage as their husbands do.
Do not go your susraal with an ambition to be their mulaazma. You are going there as the wife of someone not as his or his family’s mulaazma. Some of us ignore our main role as a wife and indulge in responsibilities which are even not our responsibilities.
Your main duties as wife of someone is to do sex with him, give birth to his kids, breastfeed them, nurture them and that’s it. You are not meant to clean their floor, cook for dozens of people or serve chai to guests and all.
There is nothing wrong in doing the household chores but making those your primary duties and ignoring your husband, children and affecting your mental and physical health is something you should not do.
There are some women for whom marriage means this. So if you are one of those, you are free to choose this lifestyle but please don’t expect others to do the same in their marriages. As you have your likes and dislikes, others also have.
Do not give birth to kids if you are not ready both physically and mentally. Many of us give birth to kids because our dying relative wants to see a baby. Ask the relative to die instead. Only plan a child when you are physically and mentally prepared for it and in position to afford him.
And please stop asking people when they will have a baby or when they will plan their second baby. If that is too necessary for you to ask then first give them a cheque worth fifteen lac, let them get it clear and then ask them when they will have a baby. Tell them that you have already credited 15 lac in their account for the initial expenses of the child and will provide the equal amount for his education every three years after the start of his schooling.
Please keep your mouth closed when it comes to other women. Do not ask them when they are going to marry, why they are still single, why their engagement ended, why they don’t have children, why they took divorce, why they did not sacrifice in their wedding. Their life and decisions are not affecting you in any way. You have no right to enter into their personal space. It’s simply not your business.
Because we talk about others so much, someone around us don’t find the courage to take decisions which are contrary to the social norms and cultures. Many ladies prefer to live in an abusive relationship and for the same reason, we advise our own sisters and daughters to stay in their marriage no matter how bad it turns – thinking that it’s better than bearing log kya kahay gay. Don’t u think we are those log?
Don’t find your mother, father, brother, and sister in your in-laws. Those are your in-laws. That’s their relationship with you and every relationship has its own beauty. You have your mother. Why do you want to see your mother in any other woman on the earth? Your mother in law can be a good mother in law but you cannot call a good mother in law your mother.
She is the mother of your husband. As she cares and feels for your husband, she can’t feel the same for you. No mother can do that. Expect her to be a good mother in law, respect her for that but do not expect something which is impossible in this world.
Changing ourselves a little bit can make big differences. I believe that our little efforts towards our reform will make this society and the world better for our daughters.