The TTP women’s magazine is what I’ve been waiting for my entire life

When I heard about the TTP launching a women’s magazine, I knew my prayers had been answered. This is the moment I had been waiting for my entire life. I’ve sent my resume to the TTP HR and while I await a positive response, I have decided to do some homework for the second issue. They’ve called the magazine Sunnat-i-Khaula although personally I believe Praygirl would have been a better option.

Letters to the editor:

Since this is a women’s magazine, men aren’t allowed to send in letters. You can’t trust women around anything remotely related to men – I think our friends in Egypt established that when they passed a fatwa against women handling cucumbers (no innuendo here, they literally meant cucumbers).

Of course, we can’t allow women to start writing letters to strangers. We can’t allow women to write. I mean, that’s the first step towards committing other heinous crimes like wearing perfume and God forbid, driving.

Ok, so no letters to the editor.

Inspirational women:

Women around the world are doing amazing things and we obviously want to highlight that. Just last week, our ISIS Jihadi brother’s fourth wife and 13 year old first cousin gave birth to triplets making him the proud father of 16 children now. All boys obviously. That is the kind of stuff we want to promote; underage cousin marriages and jihad against birth control.

Another sister actually wrote to our magazine about how she was a doctor and she eventually gave up her career in order to join the TTP. Her piece was titled “My journey from ignorance to guidance” – her ignorance being the time she was actually saving lives and all.

Interviews with wives of TTP leaders:

This is going to be a permanent section since well, there are quite a few TTP wings with their leaders. Now multiply that by 4. In the first issue, TTP leader Fazlullah Khorasani’s wife who could not be named for not so obvious reasons talked about child marriage:

“I ask you why now everywhere there is hue and cry about underage marriages … We have to understand that mature boys and girls if left unmarried for too long can become a source of moral destruction of the society, and cucumbers,” she said.

Entertainment:

In this section we will discuss pressing matters like whether or not Ludo Star is haram.

Fashion and lifestyle:

God willing, we will discuss the greater impacts fashion trends have on the world in this section. Our brethren from the Council of Islamic Ideology have been of great help in the matter. There will be a feature piece titled ‘Women’s jeans and their correlation with earthquakes and other natural disasters’.

This magazine will be a hit since it’s the only women’s magazine being launched by an organisation that is determined to crush women’s rights everywhere.

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